S.O.S.

Poor E3B and fbomb have heard many a diatribe about this next hot-button issue, but it's about time I let my voice ring from the electronic mountaintops. Attention all who use computers to relay communication!

Stop with the fucking emoticons.

And, while we're at it, stop with the fucking emotional experience acronyms like J/K and LOL.

"But, but, SlackerP! We *need* emoticons and acronyms! Or else someone might misunderstand my email/text message/instant message."

Here's a tip, kids - if your email requires you to denote in cutesy symbols how the person should interpret what you are saying then YOU AREN'T A VERY GOOD WRITER and perhaps you should go back to the goddamn drawing board and figure out how to communicate without pictures (case in point: would you need me to do a >:( right now to tell that I'm not exactly tickled by these things?). Sarcasm used well is a beautiful thing, and if you are writing to someone that doesn't register sarcasm or whose misinterpretation could, I don't know, offend them or cost you your job then PERHAPS YOU SHOULDN'T BE SARCASTIC in that instance.

Too often, people use emoticons as crutches. Either they are gratuitous (e.g. "Hope you have a happy day! :)") or they are just free passes for saying something not funny and stupidly insulting (e.g. "You suck :)") Rarely do I see an emoticon that serves some purpose other than bugging the shit out of me. "Hmm. I thought she was ambivalent on the subject of slapping babies, but now I see the colon followed by the parenthesis notation and I know she must be seriously frowning at the idea. Thanks, emoticon!"

Along those same lines, quit using J/K (Just kidding!) in emails. Again, if they can't tell you are kidding, then learn how to write a joke. And stop using it, like the emoticons, to excuse some shitty statement (e.g. "You aren't actually my kid. J/K!")

And now we get to my favorite - LOL. LOL supposedly means "laugh out loud" and variations include LMAO ("laughing my ass off"), ROTFL ("rolling on the floor laughing"), which then combine to make the Super Acronym ROTFLMAO ("rolling on the floor laughing my ass off"). If you use these acronyms regularly, are you actually doing these things?! Are you actually in danger of your ass detaching from your body because of some joke you just got forwarded about how men are like lint catchers? Are you really rolling around on the floor, cavorting with dust buffalo and crappy carpet, because that picture of a cat in a bucket was just so funny? If you aren't actually doing those things, why the hell are you including it?!

Now I have a dear friend, who I love, who uses LOL all the time in emails. If you took her scribblings at face value, then you would think that this girl sits at her computer cackling like a banchee to the point that she should be locked up. Like say you invite her out. She might write you back with "Thanks for the invitation LOL." Do you really think that she's guffawing when you suggest dinner?

Once, with a different friend, he wrote LLLLLOOOOOOLLLLL. What the fuck does that mean? Is this an acronym for someone who stutters?

Some of you may think I'm being irrational about this. Perhaps. But all I gots to say to that is F.U.

P.S. To those of you who use :P as representative of your current state, keep your goddamn tongue in your mouth where it belongs or else someone may mistake you for a child that needs a helmet and a seat on the short bus.

No, Seriously?

Gawker is reporting that OK! Magazine allegedly paid $2 million for this photo of "Britney Spear's baby."

So I've got a plan, kids. I'm going to dye my hair, stop showering, dress like white trash, and then carry around a gourd with some yarn on top. One of you takes a picture of me, preferably from a long distance away and while shaking the camera, and then you and I will split the check.

Screw law school.

Go Sox

I just secured two tickets to Game 1 of the playoffs in Boston on the optimistic hope that the Sox make it to the playoffs. Keep your fingers crossed. Me drunk at Fenway waving a foam finger and blending in among a group of idiots is long overdue.

In other sports news, how 'bout them Browns? Cough.

Disturbing Tidbit o' the Day

I had a naked dream featuring Ben Affleck last night. Discuss amongst yourselves.

[ed. note to E3B, Stranded P, and fbomb: this is what happens when you let me take control of the blog]

Having it All

The NYTimes ran an article today about women at "elite" colleges choosing to become stay-at-home moms. Or at least planning to become. Women who, though highly educated and ambitious, intend to drop their careers to raise a family. The accompanying photo shows a grinning Yale student, positioned on a rocking chair as to show off her legs. One of the guys interviewed says "I think that's sexy" when asked about women staying at home.

Sigh.

Yet again, we are rehashing the tired debate - should mothers stay home? or work? can women do both? have it all?

I just got back from LSAT teacher training and we spent a fair amount of time on "assumptions." There are plenty here to choose from here.

First, the women assume they will marry well enough that they can just up and leave their jobs but maintain their lifestyle. Women in the lower economic bracket really don't have a choice, unless they decide not to eat for a while.

Second, and more disturbing, this article doesn't address (nor do the girls seem to consider) that perhaps the husband could stay home or, at least, be considered in this equation beyond Provider of Paycheck. The work, not-to-work parenting debate is *still* framed in terms of women. It's a problem for women to figure out and negotiate. It's not a couple problem.

Both in the article, and in the discussions that I have participated in afterwards, they talk about women discovering, post-feminism, that having it all wasn't possible. Very often, the job, the children, and/or the marriage suffered when women tried to overextend themselves. As an attorney I know said "You can have it all. You just can't have it all at once."

But again, why is this solely on the mother here? Why is it her job to figure out the best way to preserve the marriage, the kids' mental health, and her job success? Where is the partnership aspect of this all?

Some male friends of mine, in discussing this article, snarkily commented that the women were wasting time and taking up space in these elite schools, and that they should just spend their time learning how to care for the home. But these same men would probably throw a fit if their wife said to them "yeah, I want a career. If you want these kids raised by a parent, then I guess you are staying home." If they were forced with the choice, what would they do? And would the same judgment be thrust upon them either way?

I wish this post were more coherent and my arguments clearer. But I'm tired. I'm tired of hearing the same old debate and the same old arguments and the same old pronoun attached to it all.

She.

Thus endth my rant.

Sorry

Sorry that we haven't posted much. Katrina has made it hard to focus on anything else, much less be funny.

By the way, the Red Cross needs Call Center volunteers in Manhattan. If you are based in NYC, call (212) 875-2349 to set up a time to train. It's a two-hour class, and then you are qualified to man the phones.